The proof is in the pudding and though I have tried, God won’t let me eat dessert first.

Shut your mouth. I’m just talking about Jack. You know the one. He was just on Fox News blaming new-fangled violent entertainment for the violence inflicted by a student on Virginia Tech. Yeah, I’m talking about Jack Thompson, Fox‘s expert on school shootings.

There are so many blogs talking about this, I’m not going to bother linking them. I shouldn’t even be blogging about this—it’s over-covered—but I feel there is a unique viewpoint that has yet to be stated. I think there needs to be some pro-Jack blogging. Get the bandages ready because my tongue is about to stab right through my cheek.

Jack is a genious. (This word “genious” is a new word that I have just made up. It is a noun, synonymous with genius, but more aggrandizing.) His geniosity earns Him the capitalization of His pronouns.

This guy is seriously the savior of the world. I can’t believe that nobody has picked up on this yet. (I’m changing my name to Paul, by the way.) Jack is going to save the world. I believe that His crusade against evil already possesses enough momentum to overcome and rout our insidious foe, which is the collective industry of video-induced violence (CIVIV).

Violence is what makes the world go ’round in such a nauseating, wobbly way. When Jack, our savior, identified the devil in all his incarnations, He outed the evil men and their insidious, glorified violence, a force that parents were happy to let drive their children to become murderers.

Jack will save us from the brink of oblivion. He will strike at the devil and he will brook no counter-strike. He will banish the resident evil from our land. The battlefield will quake as He grapples in mortal kombat with the devil and in his hour of victory Jack will save us from fear, from carnage, and from doom, too.

Jack pwns.

Just think about it for half a second and you will come to the same conclusion: life would be better if people didn’t experience violence through their video entertainment. Violence should be linked with pain and suffering rather than pleasure and enjoyment.

Don’t think for a second that Jack espouses the elimination of violence from the minds of our youths. That would be absured! (It’s just like absurd but squared.) The world ain’t never not got no violence. On the contrary, the world is predicated upon violence as the necessary means for necessary means for higher forms of life. Nay, I say unto thee, Jack means to put violence back where it belongs: in toil.

Slaughter livestock. Hunt game. Reap crops if you’re blood-shy. Take out your aggression on your food supply. That’s what it’s there for.

And if you’re going to kill people, for Jack’s sake eat them.

(Non-gratuitous hat tip: The Happy Gamer)

When I started blogging there was almost nothing about me (math, photography) on the internet. It's a lot of work to surpass a virtual sea of Andy Skeltons to become number one and I've done it.

The master of personal internet presence is the top Matt on the internet: Matt Mullenweg. His business card instructs you to go to Google, type in Matt and click I'm Feeling Lucky. That button skips the results page and takes you to the top search result for Matt.

Today I checked my ranking for "Andy": #7 on MSN, #16 on Google, #23 on Yahoo!. That's not bad considering I'm up against Wachowski, Kaufman and Warhol.

For the "Skelton" search I'm #5 on Google if you ignore the duplicates and skeletons. Again, not bad considering I'm up against Ike, Red and John.

If you find any of this stuff interesting, you'll be interested to know that searches for my legal name, Andrew Skelton, are all dead ends. In just over two years I have solidified my identity as Andy Skelton in the largest public repository of human knowledge. I am sure it could have been done much faster by gaming the system or, less easily, by actually becoming famous.

Now the really interesting part: what if I also maintained an identity named Andrew Skelton who never hyperlinked to Andy, never appeared in the same places online, never hinted that Andy and Andrew were one and the same? Have I done this?

Every time I post a trivia question I curse Google. Now, it will be my aim to discover trivia questions that are not answered in the first page of results for any obvious searches. The challenge to me is that I won't check first. I'll just post them here and let you tell me how you found the answer, or if you knew it already. Here is the first attempt:

How many joints are smoked in the movie Half Baked?