Monthly Archives: April 2007

Jack: One Bad Mother

Shut your mouth. I’m just talking about Jack. You know the one. He was just on Fox News blaming new-fangled violent entertainment for the violence inflicted by a student on Virginia Tech. Yeah, I’m talking about Jack Thompson, Fox‘s expert on school shootings.

There are so many blogs talking about this, I’m not going to bother linking them. I shouldn’t even be blogging about this—it’s over-covered—but I feel there is a unique viewpoint that has yet to be stated. I think there needs to be some pro-Jack blogging. Get the bandages ready because my tongue is about to stab right through my cheek.

Jack is a genious. (This word “genious” is a new word that I have just made up. It is a noun, synonymous with genius, but more aggrandizing.) His geniosity earns Him the capitalization of His pronouns.

This guy is seriously the savior of the world. I can’t believe that nobody has picked up on this yet. (I’m changing my name to Paul, by the way.) Jack is going to save the world. I believe that His crusade against evil already possesses enough momentum to overcome and rout our insidious foe, which is the collective industry of video-induced violence (CIVIV).

Violence is what makes the world go ’round in such a nauseating, wobbly way. When Jack, our savior, identified the devil in all his incarnations, He outed the evil men and their insidious, glorified violence, a force that parents were happy to let drive their children to become murderers.

Jack will save us from the brink of oblivion. He will strike at the devil and he will brook no counter-strike. He will banish the resident evil from our land. The battlefield will quake as He grapples in mortal kombat with the devil and in his hour of victory Jack will save us from fear, from carnage, and from doom, too.

Jack pwns.

Just think about it for half a second and you will come to the same conclusion: life would be better if people didn’t experience violence through their video entertainment. Violence should be linked with pain and suffering rather than pleasure and enjoyment.

Don’t think for a second that Jack espouses the elimination of violence from the minds of our youths. That would be absured! (It’s just like absurd but squared.) The world ain’t never not got no violence. On the contrary, the world is predicated upon violence as the necessary means for necessary means for higher forms of life. Nay, I say unto thee, Jack means to put violence back where it belongs: in toil.

Slaughter livestock. Hunt game. Reap crops if you’re blood-shy. Take out your aggression on your food supply. That’s what it’s there for.

And if you’re going to kill people, for Jack’s sake eat them.

(Non-gratuitous hat tip: The Happy Gamer)